saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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