A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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