i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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