giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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