Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
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