Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
