did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
