I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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