.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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