so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
