Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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