Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
this is an emotional support booty call
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
