I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
