Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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