Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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