pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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