That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
