They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
