Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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