I'm so fucking centered right now
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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