So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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