I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I touched a dick in church today
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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