so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
