JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
being pregnant is like rehab
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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