I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
