Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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