I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
