I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
