why didn't you poke me back
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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