How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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