you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
