Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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