I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
