omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
