I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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