I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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