apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
