he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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