So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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