This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
