When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
