It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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