so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
