She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
