it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
