I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
