I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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