Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
