I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
