remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
