ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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